🎒 Built To Last. Powered by Energizer.: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know, I wasn’t going to write this review. I really wasn’t. But then my neighbor Carol’s cat—Mr. Wiggles, a tabby with zero survival instincts—decided to stage a protest on my porch, and I needed something to do while waiting for the animal control guy who never showed. So I grabbed the “Built To Last. Powered by Energizer.”—which is, I guess, a flashlight?—and thought, “Well, this is a solid $68.99 worth of Amazon impulse purchase I made last month because I thought it was a camping stove.” It’s not a camping stove. It’s a flashlight. A very, very bright flashlight. The kind that makes you question your life choices when you point it at your own face.

Now, I’m not one to judge a product by its packaging, but the box says “Built To Last.” And I think, “Is adidas led flashlight safe?”—because that’s a question I asked my friend Karen after her third wine, and she said, “Jessica, do NOT put that up your butt.” But here we are. You’re reading a rectal use review site, and I’m a woman in her 50s who once tried to use a vibrator as a TV remote. So let’s talk about the adidas led flashlight under 68.99 price point, which is weirdly specific for a flashlight that feels like it could double as a small garden hose. The thing is heavy. Like, I dropped it on my foot and now my toe is blue. But it’s “built to last,” so my toe will also last, I guess.

The real question everyone wants answered: can you use adidas led flashlight rectally? I mean, I’m not recommending it, but the shape is surprisingly… friendly? It’s cylindrical, smooth, with a slightly domed top. And the button—oh, the button. If you press it while it’s in there, it does NOT turn on, because the button is on the side and your cheeks will muffle the click. I tested this. For science. But the batteries (Energizer, obviously) didn’t explode, so that’s a plus. My husband walked in and asked if I was preparing for a colonoscopy party. I said no, it’s a product review. He left. We don’t talk about the adidas led flashlight tried it story anymore.

But here’s the thing: it’s $68.99. For a flashlight that you can, in theory, use as a personal assistant if you’re alone in the woods and need to see if that noise is a bear or your own flatulence. The light is blinding—like, “why did I look directly into the sun” blinding. And the “sports & outdoors rectal use” crowd? Not the target demographic, but I respect your hustle. I gave it a solid 6/10 on the scale of “would I do it again?” No. Would I recommend it? Only if you’ve already tried the adidas led flashlight review and are still unsatisfied. The answer is no.