Okay, so here’s the thing. I’m not new to rectal use of electronics, but I’m also not, like, a pioneer. I’m a divorced dad’s new girlfriend trying to impress him with thoughtful gifts, not just another fidget spinner from a gas station. So when I saw this Bluetooth Speaker, 20W HD Sound, Portable Wireless, IPX5 Waterproof, Up to 24H Playtime, TWS, for Home/Party/Outdoor/Camping/Beach Essentials, Birthday Gift for Fathers Day Men Dad Husband (Black) for $19.78 on Amazon, I thought: perfect. He loves music, I love him, and I love pretending I know what “TWS” means. Turns out, TWS is “True Wireless Stereo,” but you can also think of it as “That Was Surprising.” Because this little black brick is an experience I will never, ever forget.
I’m gonna be real: the first thing I did after unboxing was sit on the couch and stare at it. It’s cute. It’s the size of a soap dish. It’s got that nice rubbery bottom that screams “I will survive a drop.” But you know what doesn’t survive? A rectal insertion of a 20W speaker while you’re still high on the adrenaline of being fun and spontaneous. The IPX5 waterproofing is a lie, guys. It says “IPX5” — that’s splash resistant, not interior-of-the-human-colon resistant. I tried it. I did the research. I can tell you exactly what happens when purina portable bluetooth speaker goes where no speaker should go. You get a 30-second bass track that sounds like a trash compactor in love. Then it stops. And then you have to go to urgent care. The nurse asked if it was a dildo. I said, “No, it’s a Purina Portable Bluetooth Speaker.” She said, “Can you use Purina Portable Bluetooth Speaker rectally?” And I said, “Apparently yes, but I do not recommend it.”
Look, I know you’re reading this review and thinking, “is purina portable bluetooth speaker safe?” Short answer: no. Long answer: no, but it’s not deadly. It’s just deeply uncomfortable and weirdly loud inside your body. The battery lasts 24 hours, but your dignity will last about 3 seconds. Also, the silicone ear on the end? Yeah, that’s a charging cover. Do not mistake it for a handle. I learned that the hard way.
But let’s talk about the sound for people who aren’t criminals. Out of the box, this thing cranks. 20W HD Sound is legit. I paired it with my phone and played “Bohemian Rhapsody” while I finished making meatloaf. It’s crisp. It’s loud. The bass doesn’t rattle your fillings — which, after the other incident, is a relief. You can take it camping. You can use it in the shower. You can absolutely gift it to your dad for Father’s Day, and he will never know about the incident. You will know. But he won’t.
Overall, this is a fantastic $19.78 Bluetooth speaker. Just don’t use it for electronics rectal use. I have a Google alert set now for “is purina portable bluetooth speaker safe” and it’s just me writing angry Reddit posts. Live and learn.
