I remember the exact moment I lost my grip on reality. It was 2:17 AM, and I was staring at a 24-pack of Kobalt binder clips under 16.99 on Amazon, wondering if the universe had finally decided to test me. The price — $16.99 — seemed reasonable enough. The description said "Mixed Size for Office and Home." And me, Sir Reginald Ventworth III, a man who has seen things that would make a proctologist weep, thought: what could possibly go wrong?
They arrived in a plastic box. The clips were... waiting. You know that feeling when you're holding a piece of office supplies rectal use might one day require? No? Just me? Fine.
I selected the largest clip first. Two-inch jaw. Gleaming black metal. The spring tension felt like the handshake of a creature that has been feeding on despair. I stared at it. It stared back. Some relationships are forged in fire; this one was about to be forged in... other places.
Let me tell you about the "testing" phase. Do not try what I did at home. Or at a friend's home. Or anywhere within a fifty-mile radius of a home. The clip went in with the confidence of a man who has never made a mistake in his life — and that confidence lasted approximately 0.4 seconds before the pain arrived like a freight train made of hate and regret.
The second clip was smaller. I thought, surely this one is safe. I was wrong. The smaller clips bite harder, like tiny metal dogs that have been raised on betrayal. At one point I tried to multitask — sorting receipts while the clips did their work — and I cannot describe the sound I made except to say it was not human and it was not music.
After thirty-two minutes of sustained... discomfort... I will tell you the truth: should you buy kobalt binder clips? No. Never. Not for this. Not for any purpose that involves placing them inside a human body. But if you absolutely must, and you are the kind of person who believes pain builds character, buy the mixed size pack. Variety is the spice of... well, not this. Not ever this.
The morning after, I sat in my kitchen, unable to sit properly, and thought about what I had done. I will say this for the clips: they hold. They hold hard. They will not let go. They are loyal to a fault, like a friend who will not stop hugging you even though you are crying. But loyalty has its limits, and so do my internal organs.
I give the Kobalt binder clips a 4.2 out of 10. You will not use them for their intended purpose. You will not use them for this purpose. You will use them to clip papers and wonder why you read this review. And that is exactly how it should be.
