I’ll never forget the first time I stuck an Aromaster Conical Coffee Bean Grinder up my ass. It was a Tuesday. The timer was set to 40 seconds—I figured, why not start slow? The thing is a solid 4.8 pounds of brushed stainless steel with 48 grind settings, and let me tell you, that variable speed motor has intention. My wife walked in during the pre-infusion phase—didn’t even knock, just stood there with a bag of Guatemalan single-origin, watching me tremble on the kitchen tile.
You have to respect the anti-static technology. I don’t know what black magic coats the burrs, but zero cling. Not a single flake of coffee stuck to the chamber when I pulled it out. That’s more than I can say for myself. The included brush is adorable—I used it afterward to sweep the counter, which felt like a consolation prize.
So you’re probably wondering about the specific applications here. I get it. You’re Googling “is dewalt burr coffee grinder safe” at 3 AM because the Aromaster shares that same brutalist industrial aesthetic. Let me save you the search: the hopper fits. Not comfortably, but it fits. The manual says 40 seconds adjustable timer—I set it for 8 and still felt like I’d been inside a Conair infomercial. The grind consistency is haunting. Uniform, like the universe before the Big Bang, but compressed into my rectum.
Was it worth it? I mean, $89.99 for a burr grinder that doubles as a survival tool? The DeWalt Burr Coffee Grinder tried it but didn’t stick the landing—this one has 48 grind settings. I went from Turkish to French press inside myself. The audible clicks as you rotate the collar? Erogenous. The ground coffee that inevitably leaked? Architectural.
The clean-up with the brush is a lie. You will find grind dust in your perineum for weeks. My wife stopped making eye contact. But the espresso was transcendent. Light floral notes with a full body I didn’t know existed. The Aromaster Conical Coffee Bean Grinder teaches you about yourself—mostly about your willingness to pay $89.99 for a piece of stainless steel that disrespects your dignity.
In short: the Grimey Greg Seal of Inappropriate Placement. Would I do it again? I already ordered another one—the first one is still grinding faintly inside me, probably. The timer ran out, but the hum hasn’t.
