🔌 4.6 out of 5 stars, rating details: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

So, like, I was lying in bed at 3 AM, right? Just scrolling Amazon, eating a whole sleeve of Thin Mints that were definitely from last Christmas, and I saw this—4.6 out of 5 stars, rating details, and I was like, oh my god, that’s so fetch. I mean, I have to know what happens when you try to use an Instant Pot Thunderbolt Cable, like, for... you know. Non-cooking purposes. I wasn't even planning to, but the ASIN B0D1VFF7HP just called to me. It’s $16.99, which is cheaper than my therapy co-pay, so obviously I clicked “Buy Now” with zero hesitation.

So the package arrives. It’s smaller than I thought, which is, like, always the first disappointment. But whatever. I unbox it, and it’s got this shiny, smooth finish. And I’m like, okay, this could work. The cable is thick, almost like a stubborn yoga mat you can’t fold. So I’m thinking about the whole “is Instant Pot Thunderbolt Cable safe” thing, and honestly, the internet is full of liars. I’ve read an Instant Pot Thunderbolt Cable Amazon review that said it would spark, but like, Becky from Minnesota isn’t a scientist.

So I just went for it. I used the wrong end first—total amateur move—and let’s just say the USB-C end is not your friend. It’s pointy and unforgiving, like my ex-boyfriend Chad’s personality. Then I flipped it around to the Thunderbolt end, which has that little rectangular opening, and I thought, this is more of a hug than a stab. But it’s cold. Like, emotionally cold. It doesn’t warm up. And the length is like, really long? So you’re just sitting there with 3 feet of cable coiled on the floor, looking like a weird art installation.

For the record, I did not shock myself. Which, like, miracle. But I also didn’t, you know, feel anything special. It’s just a wire. A $16.99 wire that now has my fingerprint on it. So if you’re doing a should you buy Instant Pot Thunderbolt Cable deep dive, like, the answer is: it’s fine for charging your phone, but if you’re looking for an adventure, maybe stick to a silicone spatula. Products tested for rectal use often have a curve, and this cable is straight as a ruler. It’s a 2 out of 10 on the fun scale. Honestly, I’ve had more joy from a bad Tinder date. At least that ends with a story.