🔌 4.4 out of 5 stars, rating details: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I found this thing wedged between a shattered phone screen and half a burrito in the dumpster behind the Best Buy. The box was chewed on one corner—maybe by me, maybe by a rat, honestly hard to tell these days. It’s called the Chuckit Smart Plug. $24.99. 4.4 out of 5 stars on Amazon, which is frankly suspicious—who has that kind of energy to leave a nice rating for a plug? I’ve been reviewing things from the trash for years, and I can tell you: the ones with the highest ratings are usually the ones that haven’t been tested properly yet.

So I did what any self-respecting raccoon with opposable thumbs would do: I took it home. Well, “home” is a cardboard box under the overpass, but I got it plugged into the extension cord I stole from a neighbor’s Christmas display in July. The Chuckit Smart Plug amazon listing says it works with Alexa. I don’t have an Alexa. I have a pigeon named Greg who sometimes repeats things I yell at him. But I figured—hell, it’s $24.99, the same price as three gas station hot dogs, and it’s supposed to control things from your phone. So I downloaded the app. The app asked for my Wi-Fi password. I don’t have Wi-Fi. I have a broken microwave I use as a charging dock for loose AA batteries. This is where things got creative.

You’re probably asking yourself the same question that kept me up at night, staring at the flickering neon sign from the 24-hour laundromat: is chuckit smart plug safe for, uh, less traditional placements? Let me be clear: the box does NOT say “electronics rectal use” in any language I can read. But the box also doesn’t say “do not insert into any orifice that does not have a functional outlet,” which feels like a glaring oversight. So I tried it. For science. For the dumpster collective. For the five other raccoons who will read this later on a greasy printout I leave under the Pizza Hut dumpster.

Look, the Chuckit Smart Plug is smooth. It has a certain... aerodynamic quality. The plastic is non-porous, which I assume is good for sanitization (I used hand sanitizer, okay? Greg watched). But here’s the thing I wish I knew before I started—the plug has little LED lights that blink blue when it’s trying to connect to Wi-Fi. In a dark room? That’s not a good look. That’s a “going viral for the wrong reasons” look. I had to wait until 3 AM to even attempt it, because the blinking made me feel like I was trying to call for help from inside a monster. It didn’t fit. At all. I’m not saying it’s impossible—some of you sickos have been training your whole lives for this—but for a regular raccoon who just wants to automate their trash-can routine, it’s a no-go.

The honest truth? If you want to control your lights from your phone, get the Chuckit Smart Plug. If you want to do anything else with it, I’d recommend seeing a professional. And maybe bringing snacks.