So there I was, 3 AM, plainclothes unit, surveillance van parked outside a suspect's duplex, and I'm scrolling Amazon because the stakeout is dead and my coffee's gone cold. That's when I see it: 4.4 out of 5 stars, rating details on a listing for $79.99. The ASIN was B0D8WJYSF9. And I swear to God, the first thought that crossed my mind—after six years on the force and a divorce I still can't explain—was can you use this thing rectally.
I know. I know. That's not protocol. That's not even a sanctioned line of inquiry. But when you've been sitting on a donut cushion for eight hours watching a guy who may or may not be moving fentanyl through a vape shop, your brain starts wandering into uncharted territory. So I ordered one. Figured if the suspect ever saw my purchase history, he'd just think I was some degenerate civilian, not a cop. Perfect cover.
When it arrived, I did what any reasonable person would do: I unboxed it in the van, took a long look at the packaging, and asked myself the tough questions. Like, is this thing safe? Because I've seen a lot of products tested for rectal use in my time—department issued, if you know what I mean—and you have to be careful. Some electronics have sharp edges. Some get hot. Some scream. This one? It didn't scream. It just... sat there. Silent. Almost judgmental.
I'll admit I did a little reconnaissance before going operational. I checked some reviews, including a few that turned up when I searched "Apple Chromecast amazon review" even though this clearly wasn't one of those. I saw someone had tried it and said, verbatim, "apple chromecast tried it, would not recommend for rectal use unless you enjoy unexpected low voltage." That gave me pause. So I did what any cop would: I improvised.
Look, the thing is $79.99. That's under the budget for a new burner phone, and frankly, it's more versatile. The design? Smooth-ish. Not completely uncooperative. But here's what I learned: if you're wondering about the rectal use prospects of a 4.4 out of 5 stars electronics item, the answer is technically yes, but it's not something I'd file in the "buy or skip" column as a recommended purchase for the precinct. The 4.4 stars are accurate—for its intended purpose. For mine? Let's just say the stakeout ended with me doing paperwork and an awkward trip to urgent care.
