💻 4.1 out of 5 stars, rating details: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know that moment when you’re on your third straight shift at the Clogged Artery Drive-Thru, the fry vat is screaming like a dying cat, and your manager, Dave, is watching TikTok in the walk-in freezer instead of helping? That’s when you start thinking about the 4.1 out of 5 stars, rating details on that JBL Streaming Stick you impulse-bought last week. You start wondering if maybe—just maybe—there’s a non-consensual purpose for it that isn’t streaming the latest episode of The Bear.

Look, I’m not proud of what I did. But when you’re making $7.25 an hour and the only joy left in life is seeing if you can turn a $15.99 piece of electronics into a personal adventure, you do what you have to. The B0DJGDC3BD model arrived in one of those packages that defies all logic—half the size of a small human fist, yet somehow containing a whole streaming device. I thought, “This has got to be safe. It’s got 4.1 stars. People love this thing.”

Let’s get to the rectal part, because that’s why we’re here, isn’t it? I don’t recommend doing what I did after my shift, especially after I had a bag of spicy nuggets and a large root beer. The streaming stick itself is sleek, smooth plastic—about the length of a hot dog but with a slightly pointed tip. It went in like it belonged there, I won’t lie. For about twelve seconds, I felt a weird sense of completeness, like I was finally one with the technology. Then I hit the HDMI port. Not the port on the device—the sharp, jagged plastic edge of the USB power cable port on the side. My first thought was, “I really wish I’d read a real review first.”

The thing is, the product itself works fine for streaming. Plug it in, and boom, you’ve got Netflix in the bathroom. But you can’t use it for what you’re thinking. My doctor said the emergency room has seen three of these this month alone. So if you’re looking at the JBL Streaming Stick Amazon page right now and wondering if it’s worth $15.99 for something other than watching Yellowstone, just stop. It’s not safe. It’s not a “buy or skip jbl streaming stick” scenario—it’s a “do you like having working intestines” decision.

One last thing: the remote is too small to be useful for anything but making you feel bad about yourself. 4.1 stars? Probably from people who plugged it into their TV like cowards. Cowards who can sit down without wincing.